Boarding House Owner Disarmed

Sheriff Garrison last Sunday evening responded to a 911 call at Mrs. Sand's Boarding House. When he arrived, he found Mrs. Lois Sand, the owner, sitting on her back porch with a .22 rifle across her lap.

Sheriff Garrison asked why she had called him. She pointed to a squirrel that was pulling an apple footie off her apple, taking a bite from the apple, and dropping both apple and footie. "He's destroying my organic apples," she fumed.

Garrison scratched his head. "And what do you want me to do about it?"

She held up her .22. "If you don't kill that apple robber, I'll use this."

"Isn't that a bit extreme?" he asked.

"No. My shotgun would be. But that would harm some of my apples."

Jay Kills Finch

Miss Agatha Peabody, retired Hillcrest librarian, was sitting on her deck Wednesday, enjoying her late afternoon glass of lemonade, when she screamed in terror. John Schreiber, local author, happened to be walking by with his wife and rushed to her assistance. There, beside her deck, lay a decapitated house finch.

She pointed with a trembling hand at the feathered head beside her deck. "It was a blue jay," she stammered. "He killed it and picked it apart, then flew off with the body, just as you came."

While Marilyn Schreiber consoled Miss Peabody, Schreiber picked up the head. "Not quite the sensational murder we had in Hillcrest a few years ago*, but this should still make The Ironwood Times."

* see Life on the Fly

Late May in Ironwood

Graduations are taking place throughout Ironwood County schools. Maple Valley and Hillcrest High Schools have the largest classes at 124 and 98 respectively. In neighboring Dodge County, Triton High School require that their seniors finish presentations on their individual projects before graduating. Though teachers in Ironwood County laud Triton for this excellent educational process, administrators in Maple Valley and Hillcrest fail to grasp the vision for educational improvement.

In other Ironwood County news, the early warm weather and heavy rains have turned plants, gardens, and trees into a lush vision suitable for Country magazine. However, the boys at Bill's Café worry that this much rain means drought later in the summer. "It's the law of averages," most say.

Apple trees budding already

The strange non-winter in Ironwood County has slid into an early spring. Some over at Bill's Café believe we'll have a wet April, some a dry, and a few think we'll yet have a wet, heavy snow before we see summer.

The apple trees are also showing signs of life early. Coddling moths will be out in force, along with other insects such as apple maggots. Local author John Schreiber swears by the old farmers' coddling moth trap: a banana peel, a cup of sugar, and a cup of apple vinegar poured into a gallon milk jug and filled with water. Hang it from the tree and you'll get rid of coddling moths. He's experimented with a half-recipe and a half-gallon and says it works just as well. He also says the best thing for apple maggots are "footies" or apple maggot barriers. Combining the traps and the footies ensures completely organic and quality apples.

Vikings are always a gamble!

The boys at Bills Café were puzzled by the Minnesota Legislature--again. "Why would conservative Republicans want to expand gambling?" Bill asked as he brought over the coffee. "That ain't conservative. I remember in the old days when people got arrested for running a poker game. Conservative means you don't do something new."

"Times 're changing, Bill," George Wilson answered. "Conservative isn't the issue any more. It's all about not raising taxes."

"But who are you getting to gamble?" Bill replied. "It's not the rich who'll be losing that money. It'll be the people who can least afford it."

George just smiled. "Now you understand."

Ironwood County enters new year

Ironwood County remains calm after the holidays. Most residents are discouraged with the weak winter--those same people are the ones who complained about last year's interminable winter.

Unlike citizens in Iowa or New Hampshire, no one in Ironwood County has been particularly excited about any of the Republicans. Or any Democrat for that matter. Most wish that politicians would quit worrying about holding their jobs and focus on strengthening the infrastructure of the country--and all that entails.

Local author John Schreiber's internet sales of his books continue strong--especially "Life on the Fly" and "Heartstone," and, at the same time, he has received good reviews lately for his overlooked "Passing Through Paradise." Asked if he was planning a sequel on either "Life" or "Heartstone," his cryptic reply was "Yes."

Thanksgiving in Ironwood

Thanksgiving was first celebrated in 1621, one year after the Puritans landed, one year after losing about 50% during the previous winter. Yet they gave thanks in the face of another winter. Would modern Americans, who have known plenty, give thanks in similar circumstances?