Election fatigue

The entire population of Ironwood County is tired of the political ads, particularly those that are paid for by unknown groups whose real identity is hidden. The loser in this race is the American public. No matter who wins, the only real winner is the media.

"Think about it," Bill told the boys at his café, "what if it were not a tight race? The closer the race is in each state, the more advertising flows into that state. The talking heads of journalism as well as the real reporters have a vested interest in a tight race. An apparently race close draws us into watching television, which causes ratings to go up, which causes advertising revenues to rise. In the media, it is known as job security. No one in the media wants a landslide, unless it's the morning after. Then that causes us to watch once again as so-called experts explain what happened."

"I'll have a refill of coffee," Joe Morrison said. "What you just said is too complicated for me."

Boys at Bill's Bemoan Loss of Common Sense in Politics

The boys at Bill's Café cannot get over the lack of common sense in both political parties. The Democrats, normally ones for change, want to keep the voting law the same, while the Republicans, usually ones for keeping the status quo, want to change the state constitution. Clearly, conservative and liberal are merely labels to apply when it's convenient to your point of view.

Bill shook his head at the whole thing. "It gets worse," he said, as he filled the boys' coffee. "Why attack our diplomats for trying to put out a fire?"

"What do you mean?" George Jackson asked.

"The Americans in Egypt were getting surrounded by these uneducated, brain-washed knuckle-heads who don't know a fifth-rate cheap movie trailer from something produced by the American government. The embassy released a statement." Bill pulled out the newspaper. "Here's what they said: 'The Embassy of the United States in Cairo condemns the continuing efforts by misguided individuals to hurt the religious feelings of Muslims -- as we condemn efforts to offend believers of all religions." Bill threw down the paper in disgust. "So some our own American knuckle-heads are attacking that statement as sympathy for vandals and killers."

George scratched his head. "That's what I heard it was."

"Look," said Bill. "If you were surrounded by a bunch of knuckle-heads threatening to burn you down, are you going to call those knuckle-heads 'knuckle-heads' to their face or are you going to tell them you understand their anger but you don't agree with anyone who insults others?"

George looked puzzled. "I guess I'd first try to get the situation to settle down, then try to get the truth out."

"Exactly," said Bill. "And here, once again, politicians think we're as stupid as those knuckle-heads who can't tell the difference between a nut in Hollywood and real workers in America."

Dry fall in Ironwood County

School has started and the leaves are starting to turn and it's been quiet lately at Bill's Café in Hillcrest. The boys complain about the dry weather, but then they've all heard that before. Fortunately a bout of rain in August helped the corn crop, so the soybeans and corn are both looking good.

Occasionally the conversation wanders close to politics, but the boys are careful to quickly change the subject. All of them are already tired of political commercials. Advertising just convinces them that both parties are full of hypocrites. When voting time comes they'll vote, of course, because they've always done it, but they'll close their eyes and hold their noses when they cast their ballot. If there was a "Give me another choice" on the ballot, they'd eagerly choose that.

Over in Maple Valley, Mrs. Lois Sand has appeared in the Sheriff's report regularly of late, guarding her apple trees from squirrels with her .22. Of course she's extra careful where she shoots, and her aim is spectacularly accurate, but the law is the law. No shooting of firearms in city limits. Even if the shooter is Lois Sand.

No news of significance out of Paradise. As far as the rest of Ironwood County is concerned, that is very good news. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the sordid events recounted in John Schreiber's book Passing Through Paradise, and that is how the county likes it.

Boarding House Owner Disarmed

Sheriff Garrison last Sunday evening responded to a 911 call at Mrs. Sand's Boarding House. When he arrived, he found Mrs. Lois Sand, the owner, sitting on her back porch with a .22 rifle across her lap.

Sheriff Garrison asked why she had called him. She pointed to a squirrel that was pulling an apple footie off her apple, taking a bite from the apple, and dropping both apple and footie. "He's destroying my organic apples," she fumed.

Garrison scratched his head. "And what do you want me to do about it?"

She held up her .22. "If you don't kill that apple robber, I'll use this."

"Isn't that a bit extreme?" he asked.

"No. My shotgun would be. But that would harm some of my apples."

Jay Kills Finch

Miss Agatha Peabody, retired Hillcrest librarian, was sitting on her deck Wednesday, enjoying her late afternoon glass of lemonade, when she screamed in terror. John Schreiber, local author, happened to be walking by with his wife and rushed to her assistance. There, beside her deck, lay a decapitated house finch.

She pointed with a trembling hand at the feathered head beside her deck. "It was a blue jay," she stammered. "He killed it and picked it apart, then flew off with the body, just as you came."

While Marilyn Schreiber consoled Miss Peabody, Schreiber picked up the head. "Not quite the sensational murder we had in Hillcrest a few years ago*, but this should still make The Ironwood Times."

* see Life on the Fly

Late May in Ironwood

Graduations are taking place throughout Ironwood County schools. Maple Valley and Hillcrest High Schools have the largest classes at 124 and 98 respectively. In neighboring Dodge County, Triton High School require that their seniors finish presentations on their individual projects before graduating. Though teachers in Ironwood County laud Triton for this excellent educational process, administrators in Maple Valley and Hillcrest fail to grasp the vision for educational improvement.

In other Ironwood County news, the early warm weather and heavy rains have turned plants, gardens, and trees into a lush vision suitable for Country magazine. However, the boys at Bill's Café worry that this much rain means drought later in the summer. "It's the law of averages," most say.

Apple trees budding already

The strange non-winter in Ironwood County has slid into an early spring. Some over at Bill's Café believe we'll have a wet April, some a dry, and a few think we'll yet have a wet, heavy snow before we see summer.

The apple trees are also showing signs of life early. Coddling moths will be out in force, along with other insects such as apple maggots. Local author John Schreiber swears by the old farmers' coddling moth trap: a banana peel, a cup of sugar, and a cup of apple vinegar poured into a gallon milk jug and filled with water. Hang it from the tree and you'll get rid of coddling moths. He's experimented with a half-recipe and a half-gallon and says it works just as well. He also says the best thing for apple maggots are "footies" or apple maggot barriers. Combining the traps and the footies ensures completely organic and quality apples.

Vikings are always a gamble!

The boys at Bills Café were puzzled by the Minnesota Legislature--again. "Why would conservative Republicans want to expand gambling?" Bill asked as he brought over the coffee. "That ain't conservative. I remember in the old days when people got arrested for running a poker game. Conservative means you don't do something new."

"Times 're changing, Bill," George Wilson answered. "Conservative isn't the issue any more. It's all about not raising taxes."

"But who are you getting to gamble?" Bill replied. "It's not the rich who'll be losing that money. It'll be the people who can least afford it."

George just smiled. "Now you understand."

Ironwood County enters new year

Ironwood County remains calm after the holidays. Most residents are discouraged with the weak winter--those same people are the ones who complained about last year's interminable winter.

Unlike citizens in Iowa or New Hampshire, no one in Ironwood County has been particularly excited about any of the Republicans. Or any Democrat for that matter. Most wish that politicians would quit worrying about holding their jobs and focus on strengthening the infrastructure of the country--and all that entails.

Local author John Schreiber's internet sales of his books continue strong--especially "Life on the Fly" and "Heartstone," and, at the same time, he has received good reviews lately for his overlooked "Passing Through Paradise." Asked if he was planning a sequel on either "Life" or "Heartstone," his cryptic reply was "Yes."